Piccadilly - Pick - Pocket...

ASSAULT + FLATTERY.
Daisy Dippy
on the 'dilly
kissed my lips
and touched
my willy
must've thought that
I was silly.
When she said
she liked
Big Ben!
I didn't know
she meant
my ten...
quid that
she slid
into her pocket
that she dipped
from my
sky rocket!
AS1393

Two Girls...

MOAN
+ MOAN
AND MOAN!
If you've got
two girls
you're gonna
need two 'phones.
So when they
call you up +
you're all alone -
and all they want
to do is moan -
you just put
'phone to 'phone
and let them
moan + moan
and moan!
AS25974

EVERYBODY'S MAD.
Madness ain't all
it's cracked up to be
you see, everybody's mad
to some degree...
it's not just me!
You were mad
about that lad! -
he was mad about
missing the bus.
She went mad about
getting so wet -
When I get mad!
I make a fuss
I burst my balls!
I throw my dummy
on the floor - I rattle
my cage and bark
at the cat. I wear
hats backwards
and uni-cycle
everywhere and
that's just if I can't
see my favorite
programme on tv!
291106

Street talking...

OVERHEARD IN MOSS SIDE.

BUILDING DRAWS?
What yer doin' these days man?
'Got meself a job at the furniture factory man!'
What they do there man?
'Me just build drawers man!'
Build draws man? Me can do that!
MSC1995

IMAGINATION
If you can talk
you can fly...
That's what the
high fliers tell me.
They're floating man,
when they communicate.
Poets are like that.
Give them a quill, some ink,
a moment to think!
And their imagination
takes off.
AS19396

Nobody talks...

THE FINE ART OF COMMUNICATION.
Nobody talks to anybody any more.
Except for 'Did you see Coronation
Street last night?' down the local pub.
I had twelve pre-set channels and a
tape deck on my car stereo.
But it's being rolled with tobacco now
I expect.
And resold on someone's car boot stall
for another fool to have boosted
from his Ford.
Nobody talks to anybody any more.
They just throw the channels about
on the satellite receiver
and pull up the blanket 'cos
the heating costs too much to feed.
Somebody said something
in the lift the other day.
Everybody watched him.
They thought he was on T.V.
Previously published in Cowardy Custards Last Stand in Salford 1993

Proper Trog...

NICOLA AND JACK.
She smiles - it's real joy.
Which one?
She asks as the baby
holds out two hands.
She throws a monkey
face at him -
The baby squeals
with delight.
His mother wipes
a silent tear
from her eye.

LITTLE JACK BATTY.
Little Jack Batty
Sat on a tatty
Eating his Ploughmans Lunch
His breakfast all done,
And his dinner to come
And said, 'What a nice bit of brunch!'
Previously published in Proper Trog.

Chief O'Hara...

CHIEF.
Chief's the main Glassman
he don't care
Chief shines windows anywhere.
He does upfronts
and
he does backdowns
you can check out Chief
all over this town.
'Do you want some hot water Chief?'
Yes please Chuck,
and I take two sugars
in my tea Love!
Shine on Chief, Chief shine on.
Thirty Bob for a quick up rub,
just to make enough
to be the 'boy' of the pub.
Chief's the main Glassman
he don't care
Chief shines windows everywhere..
STSTSPP1991
Previously published in StraightTalkingStreetTalkingSweet (c) Andy Sewina 1988

Knackered...

NIGHT NOISE.
As if we haven't got enough
commotion round here -
with the helicopter buzzing
the twenty second floor,
the factory alarm going off
every night when someone
breaks in, the fire engines
trundling past and the bang
every time a car gets torched.
Now we've got mounted police
patrols after midnight and they
wake up all the neighbourhood
dogs and when they start
barking everyone wakes up.
And those daft car alarms
don't help. No wonder no-one
pays the Poll Tax, the Water
Rates and the Rent in Salford.
Even if we had a job to go to
we'd all be knackered by first light.
Previously published in Cowardy Custard's Last Stand in Salford 1992

'Uncle Joe's' Mint Balls are made in Wigan...

CORNER SHOP.
Whatever happened to
the corner shop?
It's doing fine round here
"Thank you very much."
"Join our christmas club."
Natasha wanted a
cup of tea at six am
I only drink coffee -
freeze dried of course.
I went to the corner shop
bought a paper, one cigarette,
a razor blade and an Oxo cube
to take to work and oh yes,
one tea bag for Natasha.
"Do you want it on the slate love?"
"You can have an egg to boil
for her breakfast if you like
and half a cup of sugar
from that broken bag,
or a single Weetabix?"
I said No, but give us one
of those 'Uncle Joe's' -
she likes something to suck!
Previously published in Cowardy Custard's Last Stand in Salford 1992.

Five Minutes...

ARNOLD ENTWHISTLE.
You have got five minutes to tell me everything you know.
My name is Arnold Entwhistle I am ten years old - I have got a sister called Annette - she is twelve years old - I have got a younger brother called Paul - he is two or three - is it five minutes yet?
51 word fiction
7596

DOPE!
I sit here with
my legal dope
Duty Free
Scotch Whisky
imported from
Abu Dhabi
A hundred
cigarettes to smoke
no-one here to
share the joke
writing comedy
that's me!
what a frigging
Dope!
4396

His mobile thing...

RINGING.
I wake
the phone's ringing
it's not for me
it's not my 'phone.
It's for him
it's his mobile thing!
He's outside
in the night
in the wet.
'Yeah, yeah, right!
Yeah, yeah, check!'
I know his number...
but we've never met.
MSC61095

yeah yeah check
I know his number
yeah yeah right
BUT WE'VE NEVER MET
yeah yeah right
I know his number
yeah yeah check
61095a

Song #1...

JANET OR JAYNE?
(SOUNDS LIKE
JANITOR JANE)
I was strolling down
a country lane
when I saw a girl
so I asked her name
she said Janet!
or was it Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
did she say Janet!
or did she say Jayne?
The next time I went
down that lovers lane
she was standing
there again
I said Janet?
she said Jayne!
Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
did she say Janet!
or did she say Jayne?
So that was the end
of my lovers lane
(would be flame)
I simply forgot to
remember her name!
did she say Janet!
or did she say Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
Janet or Jayne?
did she say Janet?
No she said Jayne!
7689

Bus Deregulation...

BUSES.
I'm too angry to talk about
buses, when I'm fussed.
I wait aways and sometimes
but not often, one appears.
Most times I start to walk
the mile or so. And between
stops, after a while, one
whistles by.
At the next stop, I always
sit or lie, or queue in endless
stance, under a rain filled sky.
That's why I'm too angry
to talk about buses
when I'm fussed..
STSTSPP1991

BUS DEGRADATION.
Billy not silly
don't want bus
to Piccadilly
Billy stand
here waiting
like a Roger Hunt
Billy don't know
the Ali McGraw
No wonder
Salford bus shelters
get smashed
to Daffy Duck
What about the punters
no-one cares
about the poor
Maggie's innovation
bus deregulation
She has got
a lot to answer for
Previously published in Cowardy Custards Last Stand in Salford.
clink-the-link-to-Proper Joe's

And the poet is...

AD INFINITUM.
Nothing happens in a day,
the way they say.
Everything takes time.
Ideas are two a penney,
sixpence a dozen.
The guy who just takes one
idea and makes it happen -
He's GOD in the public eye.
It says something when
Joe Bloggs is Numero Uno
And the Poet is - naff all -
Ad Infinitum!
19396

Trip to New York...

MACH III
Close your eyes and
visualise the Bronx,
Manhattan, Brooklyn,
Queens and Staten.
Through the rooftops
you must squeeze
and head for New York
on the breeze,
cross the ocean at:
Mach III, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...
By the statue,
there I'll wait...
Then together we'll explore
Manhattan, street by street
at the speed of thought.
3481

Cycle Kids...

CYCLE KIDS.
Did you ever see those
crazy kids at night
that BMX along the roads
without a light
the way they race along
the gutter jumping grids
using the double yellow
peril as a track.
They're a nightmare
for a driver cycle kids
and when they do the
downhill slalom
along the broken white
even drunken drivers
have a fright.
So watch out for
crazy cycle kids tonight.
2981

Get...

GET.
Get your little mews,
your muesli and
your news delivered!
Hang a Piccaso,
a Chagal and
a Modigliani on
the living room wall.
Polish up the bare boards
on the bedroom floor -
But don't pick flowers
in case they scream!
At your Vegan kitchenette...
11496

Century's Waiting...

CENTURY'S WAITING.
Oh, the century's waiting
and the masturbating
and the menustrating
go on like they always
did before.
And the housing waiting
list is growing, that's for sure.
And the homeless are working!
selling newsheets on the streets.
And the dole queue's are twice
as long as the check-out line
at Aldi.
So what's gone wrong?
No-body can tell you
anymore.
4496

Don't you dare...

DON'T YOU DARE.

Don't you dare
to dare me to
do the things
that you daren't do

Just because I
don't look scared
doesn't mean that
I don't care

'cos I've got lots
and lots of love
but not much
time for you

'cos I don't like
the way you act
or most -
the things you do

So never ever
call my name
I won't play
your silly game

and

Don't you dare
to dare me to
do the things
that you daren't do
3600

Twinkle-toes...

WITH THOSE MAGIC SHOES.
Hey Twinkle-toes
I think everyone knows
that you can score goals
with those magic shoes.
You answer to Kelly
play better than Pele?
Hey Twinkle-toes
there's not much to choose!
you couldn't lose.
With those magic shoes
you should've played
for the blues...
121106

MSC Designer Feet...

DESIGNER FEET.

They want control

They’re out of control

Who’s got control

Of the street.

They’ve got designer logo’s

Emblazoned on their holdalls

And they wear labels

Stitched onto their feet.

They want control

They’re out of control

Who’s got control

Of the street.

MSC10196

MSC Maisie Goss...

MAISIE GOSS.

Maisie Goss

lives on the Moss.

She’s seventy-six

and sick inside.

Every time she

goes the shops.

Every time she

looks outside.

Two blokes knocked

her neighbours door.

Punched that pensioner

to the floor.

He lived and fought

in two world wars.

What hope’s Maisie Goss?

MSC2196

After the bonfire...

NOVEMBER THE SIXTH.
The firemen go past
here all the time.
Blue light flashing
siren sounding.
They reach their destination
drive round the block
radio in:
"It's another false alarm."
In the morning you walk
past an empty house.
The doors are charred
the glass in the window frames
has gone.
It smells like
November the sixth.
PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED IN COWARDY CUSTARDS LAST STAND IN SALFORD.

The Oxfam Shop...

TWOPENNY CHIC.
Dress up to kill
dress up to the nines
the nifty nineties
are waiting for you.

Ties are old hat,
suits are worn with boots.

Obey the 'Dress Code' means:
No trainers, no jeans!
Or, know the bouncer.

Oxfam's okay for clothes
but a bit expensive for the
Twopenny Chic.
Previously published in 1997 in Bards Around Britain.